To my everyday life I would look rather normal. People that don’t know me would not think I was odd or different, I’m just another guy in a crowd but having suffered from some serious depression (of which I feel pretty far removed now) I think I am on the most part that normal guy people see ..BUT
I realise I am not the same person I used to be. There are a lot of damaged circuits.
I would explain it a bit like a computer that crashed one time and since then it runs almost all of you programes like nothing is wrong but there are a few things that as soon as you open them the system will freeze up or crash ..
Sensitive to the world and peoples hate… these are the programes I have problems with…
A lot of my depression involved me seeing so much sadness in people and the world and the things that are behind the sadness, I could see it even when people were smiling as if I had special vision or senses to see the deeper into the hurt going on inside them.
At the worst time in my depression I would not put the television on or go out because I could see it in every one, even actors and the news, well you don’t have to suffer from depression for that to get you feeling at best very low.
So anyway i’m all fine (?) until the simplest of things brings back my feelings of worry and anxiousness (those uncontrollable butterflies in your stomach that well up) and those triggers are always human related. Like getting a parking ticket, that’s seems something that would annoy or stress anyone but with me it bring up loads of stuff the deep thoughts of that job and the greedy ways people dump on others just to take from them, also the job and the fact that it exists and some of those doing it get so much satisfaction on dumping down on others.
I actually know my problem is that I am extra sensitive to everything that’s negative and I look into the reasoning behind the actions people say and do. It leaves me feeling like there is no hope left for kindness in this world and it’s all about personal satisfaction even if it means someone else will be left with the negativity of your actions.
That to me sums up the world we live in today, no one cares enough to be kind or think about how their actions affect others.
People only care about their own issues and needs. Pretty sh*t place this world has become.
So I make music to cheer people up hopefully? but as I said it only takes one arsehole for me to feel so down and low again. It’s not a nice feeling and I seem to get there so easy due to me sensitivity to everything harsh and negative, how do you become thick skinned to this stuff, I must have been thicker skinned before or was I just oblivious to it because I was also so busy?…I don’t recall ever being ruthless or unconcerned to others.
Kindness cost nothing its like manners and when you give or show it. It also reflects back at you, something has gone wrong with my programe in this respect because I still give it and show it but I no longer feel I get its reflection, its as if my computer Ariel is also damaged as all I receive now is negative vibes from people.
I know a lot of people wont understand this blog but I typing it because again my day has started with that feeling because others who I don’t even know have so much hate and care so little for anyone but them selves. I just wish I could tell them to f**k off and mean it and could not care or have these feeling of anxiousness that make me want to close the door and hide away from the world.
but I can’t do that as my programming is not working properly.